Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i think my cat just said my name.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
