it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
