I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
