it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
