Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
