i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
