saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
