we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
