we were pretty classy up until the second keg
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
