If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
