then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
