Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
