Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
