Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
