sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
