i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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