How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize