Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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