Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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