Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
