I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
