so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
