If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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