Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
