I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
