Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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