Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
