i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
