I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
