So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
