That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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