he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
