Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
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