Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
