Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
