Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
