i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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