whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm really busy with my period
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