Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
