How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
