just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
