If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
