You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize