I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize