Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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