Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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