Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
