I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
