In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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