I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
