I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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