Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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