My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
