When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
