I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
