apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
