Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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