there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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