I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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