I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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