I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
