Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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