She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
