He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
