Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
