First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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