umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
