why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
