also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
