My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
