you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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