Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
